blossom

it comes and goes

I didn’t wear a coat for the first time in months and it’s sunny and I feel like everything is a little bit better. – that’s the kind of thing I’d like to be writing on this pretty day in March.

Except I kind of hate March.

Not to bang on about it but my brother died in a March, when blossom trees were at their most beautiful. His death isn’t the main thing about me, but it did end part 1 of my life, and I guess I keep writing about his death because not only do I miss him, I miss that part 1 of my life.

Kneedeep in part 2 now. Part 2 so far has been messy, mean and weird - I’ve been more in love than ever and more sad than ever too. It’s almost 6 years since I learned the hard way that life can cease in millisecond, 6 seasons of blossom have been and gone. 2 more children of mine have been born, one in a March (which makes the month a little easier as I give thanks for my bountiful babe’s entry to the world and eat the inevitable caterpillar cake).

I do feel light today, though.

It’s astonishing to feel so light today when the day before yesterday I spent a whole day in a barren hotel room screaming into a pillow, choking on my tears and snot.

I considered running away to Orkney as I manically crunched through a giant bag of kettle crisps watching Kirsty and Phils LOVE IT OR LIST IT, (a programme I find unbelievably depressing on the best of days). I only watch it in hotels and it seems to be the only show ever on??????

My PMDD swallows me whole for a couple of days each cycle and it’s gotten so bad, it’s scary. I have been so slow to accept I’ve got it ‘proper’.

Exercise is my god and I’ve always deified it, like it has the power to undo anything and to cure but it really doesn’t.

I now know the warning signs. Sudden fatigue and nausea, fragrant apathy. A low mood engulfed me on the train to Liverpool, and I should have immediately gotten off the train and returned home to the safety net of my kids and normal timetable. Instead I obliterated two days which were meant to be two contented days for myself, my work and to spend time with my boyfriend. I feel so guilty and ashamed.

I am able to ignore these symptoms to a certain extent when I’m with the kids. The militant routine of the day keeps thinking at bay; I only have to serve my children, change nappies, cook, clean, read to them, check they’ve taken vitamins, inhalers and got their ‘special gloves’ ready for the morning. (My 4-year-old is in that famous daily glove phase).

Whatever ‘It’ is really does pass! PMDD is when the brain reacts badly to the changing levels of progesterone and oestrogen in the Luteal phase before the period. So, for the entire Luteal Phase (which can vary in days and weeks), I’m a bit unhinged. If I’m not busy or cautious to keep active and eat bananas (!potassium!) I will be destroyed or destroy everything around me. I am the monster or I am being devoured by the monster.

PMDD is brought on my age and stress levels, which makes perfect sense. The last three years have been the most stressful and bizarre of my life. It’s so boring, I’M SO BORED by writing this, but I have to. Because everyone is banging on about International Womens Day and not enough women (and obviously men) know about this condition. It has sent me mad, sends many women mad, and we are not understood. We simply have PMS or BAD PERIODS or are just HYSTERICALLY HORMONAL.

No. It’s a real thing. Read about it. Talk about it. Don’t be afraid of telling your GP to take you more seriously. Some GPs might never have heard of it!

In other news:

my toddler fell into a (very shallow) frog pond. It was a very pure moment. He looked scared but also amazed as it happened, half his body soaked. His surprisingly athletic survival instinct kicked in and he barely needed any help getting out despite his tiny stature. I was so proud! Obviously it’s hard to predict but I’m pretty sure he’ll remember that forever, all the kids will. It brought us together, my daughter giving him her school cardigan to cover him up and us all saying over and over again what a brave boy he was on the walk home.

There is now great talk of a pet frog when we move. I think i’d be happier with a pet frog than dog.

I visited our new house in Liverpool, between bouts of crying, and allowed hope in. We could paint the skirting boards yellow! We could paint the door frames pink! I could have my dream of a utility room, the kind of utility room I’ve seen in those mormon housewives instagram accounts!

I let myself meander back slowly from audition and found myself in a Tesco megastore. I bought loads of organic nuts for my boyfriend that he won’t eat (ZINC!), and new bottles for the baby even though he’s not a baby anymore he’s almost 3 and he shouldn’t be drinking from bottles anymore but I can’t break that habit it gives me 15 more minutes of sleep in the mornings and ALSO THEY ARE PLASTIC BOTTLES AND THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE, I know.

The audition was a pointless exercise and I almost wished I’d said no, as it was on a Friday night and I love Friday nights with the kids – swimming and fish and chips. Typically, I waited all day for the recall time to be confirmed and didn’t get a reply until an hour before I had to be there (ALWAYS BE READY!). I had to rush and once I was there, they almost saw another actress before me even though I had the earlier slot. It was here I put my foot down and insisted I was to be seen first, because I’m not that much of a doormat, even though the fact I had rushed all the way there at a moment’s notice was plain evidence that I was.

I refrained from complaining about them being over twenty minutes late (NEVER COMPLAIN) and overshared with the director (BE FUNNY, LIKEABLE and MEMORABLE). The casting director looked mildly worried for me for the entirety of the 6 minutes I was in the room. When it came to actually doing the scene, I completely mumbled my way through it and I felt betrayed by the director for making me do the scene at all after I had just shared my life story with him.

Final thoughts:

My 4yo asked out of nowhere (for he always asks his questions out of nowhere) “sometimes when a human cries can their tears reach the ground in a line”. I said yes.

My 8yo daughter asked, just before bedtime (for her questions are always just before bedtime), “why do people love each other?”. I was more nervous to answer this question than I was to do my scene in the audition hours earlier. I said, ‘because they see something in another person that makes them feel good”. I felt this was a shit answer but she was sweet. I sent her to bed regretfully. I asked my boyfriend what he would have said to her and he replied, “because without true love we just exist”.

I felt threatened by his brilliant answer, before he told me it is a lyric from the song “Alfie”, (which is apt as his name is also Alfie).