sunrise and weak spots

some thoughts

My mum told me she read my little ones some Greek mythology stories at bedtime.

A few days later, my 5 year old says

Mama, what’s your weak spot?

I say what do you mean, and he tries to pronounce Achilles.

I say, oh, my Achilles heel, my weak spot, I understand.

I think about it, really think about it, and then think about how amazing it is to be asked, by a child, questions that really do make you think.

While I’m thinking he says sweetly, bashfully

My weak spot is my heart. I really don’t like my heart being hurt.

I want to cry as I look at him, wanting to shrink him so I can fit him in my pocket and keep him safe forever. I want to pause this moment, keep him 5 forever.

*

I’ve never experienced wanderlust. I had an almost-boyfriend when I was 18 who wanted me to go to Bali with him. I’ve had an unacceptable number of “almost-boyfriends” – which I describe as someone who I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time with in ambiguously romantic settings, with months of messaging and building a mutual emotional reliance – only to find that neither of you have the guts to “try”.

We had only kissed once and slept in the same bed for one night when he asked me to go travelling with him, starting out in Bali, but he thought that the natural next step would be for us to go on a plane and spend hundreds of pounds and get vaccinations and go around the world together.

I’d have preferred the cinema and sex.

But I said yes.

I started the process of packing, got a new suitcase and a special ID card from the travel agency. I remember the photo for the ID card because I look strangely pretty and tanned and was wearing a floral hairband which I lost and then tried to find in Claire’s Accessories for years after.

I looked mildly wild in that photo, which is something I’d always wanted to be.

This would have been a really cool thing for me to do.

Go across the world with my new almost-boyfriend before coming back and (perhaps) going to university. Be normal for my age! Be relaxed with nothing but a backpack!

The day before we were due to fly I panicked. This was not me. I did not like him enough, and I did not want to travel enough. I told him in a park. He was very upset and we never spoke again. It’s a shame because he was one of the first male friends I ever had and I think of him every now and again, especially when I see a plane.

What could have been?

Even though I didn’t yet know what I wanted to do with my life, I knew I was not the sort of person to be relaxed and wander about. I needed to get on with things, and if I was going to travel, I wanted it to be when I felt I’d earned it.

I still struggle with enjoyment in general, allowing myself joy – but I am glad I didn’t go on that trip.

*

I did a show this week.

It was the first time onstage since my “bad” show in April, which put me off performing for a while.

It was also my first show ever on antidepressants, so I was curious to see how I’d feel.

As I set up my chairs onstage, I noticed I was shaking.

I haven’t shook like that since I did my shows in the days after my brother died, and I was performing Sunrise. I shook then because, even though I’d done the show over 100 times when it happened, I was in deep shock. Somehow had to pretend I was fine in front of a crowd and do a good show - honour the money they’d spend on the ticket and the babysitter they’d booked.

It didn’t occur to me to cancel the shows. I had a job to do. If I had cancelled them, then it would have meant something awful had happened – which of course it had – but I wasn’t ready to confront that yet.

For my current show – 7 years later – there is no pressure on me at all. it’s a work-in-progress show. No one expects anything of me. I will be performing in a tiny cave in Edinburgh at midday for only a week and I don’t even know what I’ll do with this show once the week is over.

I may never look at it again. It really doesn’t matter, and yet – for this little preview in a railway arch venue in Shoreditch – I wanted it to matter, it mattered to me. I wanted to do a good show. I wanted to show people my writing and my ideas and perform well and not fuck up.

I was shaking because it was the first time I’d really cared in so long. And when things matter, there’s higher stakes, which is scary.

A woman came up to me and asked if I was okay, as I finished setting up the stage.

Usually, I would say yeah! all good! Thanks! But for some reason, I let this woman in. I told her honestly, I had a difficult show a few months ago which battered my confidence in my material and this could be very revealing and exposing because I’m trying to justify my decision to support my family by Only Fans and so if the show is bad, then I am bad, and I have no other options.

She didn’t back away. She kindly said “well I think it’s amazing that you have gone through all of this and here you are, setting up your chairs, and trying.”

And I wanted to hug her. I didn’t. She told me to do some box breathing and I said “but I only do that for my kids at bedtime to soothe them” and she said “well you need to sooth yourself right now”.

In my new show I speak to an invisible man. I told her this. I said “I really just want to be able to say my lines clearly, and not worry if they’re not laughing”.

She said “I can be the invisible man at the back. focus on me.”

And I did.

It was a cathartic experience, and I came offstage and felt such relief that I had done it, I had tried.

I didn’t even get her name, but she helped me.

Later I thought about how so far, I’ve had no side effects from my medication, only a slight lift in mood. But then I thought about interactions I’ve had in the last few weeks – I’ve been less shut off, more open.

I don’t think I would have been open to doing breathing exercises with a stranger before going onstage a few weeks ago……..

so maybe the (certain type of) drugs do work????

thanks for reading xox

* My new work in progress show is at the Edinburgh festival 6^th-13^th August. It’s about my time on only fans. and motherhood.

I’m also revisiting my show SUNRISE in Edinburgh 9^th&10^th August, which will be an emotional experience.

Then again in London 19^th&20^th September at the Young Vic.
This weeks podcast.