Who am i?
a new start.
I guess what I must declare – well, the first big thing is - I’m a mum. I have four incredible, funny, awe-inspiring kids. Before that garners attack (which I am never not primed for): I know everyone thinks their children are the best, I know the scope of a mothers love, I know how lucky and privileged I am to be a mother and to have birthed them, I know being a mother doesn’t make me special… anything else?
I’m an out of work actress and it doesn’t look like I’ll be working anytime soon. I’ve done one day of filming in two years. It was a scene with Benedict Cumberbatch, so a good one to go out on (even if it goes on the cutting room floor).
I was in Harry Potter from the ages of 20-22 though I’ve been branded as a child actress my whole career. My google search is horrifying to me, I don’t recognise any of it, any of the photos, the headlines, nothing. (Harry Potter actress raped by her tennis coach, Harry Potter actress brother electrocuted on railway, Harry Potter actress slams Miriam Margolyes, Harry Potter actress says Harry Potter “did nothing” for her career, Harry Potter actress claims she was told she was fat). Banal, ridiculous, unfortunate. Though I wouldn’t change a thing, and I am still grateful for being picked as Lavender Brown.
The second big thing is that I’m a writer but I can’t write right now. Whatever forceful motivation I had has gone on temporary leave. I have written a novel (it was a Sunday Times bestseller), many Edinburgh comedy shows (one was even nominated for a South Bank Award if anyone knows what that is) and countless comedy/drama scripts over a decade of development – nothing ever got made into television but goddamnmit I tried. I’ve written for free, I’ve been paid to write, I’ve worked on other things to fund my writing. Nothing has worked, taken off, been a hit or a cult hit or a career defining point or a breakthrough moment or any of those entertainment industry idioms. I’ve spent money to write, I’ve lost money to write, I’ve made very little writing. This is not abnormal, I know.
I’m a one-woman-show person who used to find funny things to say onstage, used to enjoy being looked at and laughed at and selling tickets, but I can’t find anything funny to say. Maybe because I don’t want be onstage during bathtime. Because I love bathtime, bedtime, morningtime, playtime, pickuptime – I love all of motherhood, I would do it again and again and again if I could. That doesn’t mean I don’t find it hard, exhausting, overwhelming and terrifying too.
I love my boyfriend, whom I consider to be an incredible thinker, though he’s called a comedian. We have a relationship that I could never have dreamed of. Love. We’ve also broken up twice and slept with other people during our 11-year tenure. We’re not married, there’s no trad about us. I’m not sure why, but I also don’t care.
We/I owe a lot of money.
I can’t get a trad job until my youngest starts school; if I worked at Tesco (which I think I would like, actually, because the third big thing is also a confession: my happy place is any supermarket). My wages would go on childcare so I’d be paying to work at Tesco. As it stands right now I’m paying for hours at a playgroup for my two youngest three half days a week so I can try to write a second novel. However, I don’t think I’ll ever finish it, or even start it again for the 8th time. I’m at melancholic peace with that.
I want to train as a midwife when all my kids are at school and settled. I’ve looked it up and it will be about 30K.
I want to get a boob job too, after a decade on and off of breastfeeding. This will be about 7K.
I used to get emails. I don’t get them anymore. I can’t quite work out if the lack of emails came before my 4th baby, or after, when I was going mad * in secret.
* I’ve had brain fog for three years, since the birth of my fourth baby, my third son. I got covid in the last 10 weeks of the pregnancy. I’ve been depressed since his birth, even though he is one of the greatest things that ever happened to me and he brings so much joy into our tiny flat and hearts every day.
In the coming days, I will be starting something new. I will document it here.
Maybe this Substack is my Britney moment?
